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Inside Governor Newsom’s head


[The Internet has a persistently literal ethos, so readers please be aware that this is pure parody, though based on known facts and biases of the Governor of California and his current predicament, which actually applies to many elected leaders who continue to impose restrictions and mandates. ~ Editor]

Damn Fauci. 

“When people are vaccinated, they can feel safe that they are not going to get infected.” 

His words. I thought he had my back. Walensky, too. Also Biden. 

So I go out and say I’m getting every kid vaxxed. K through 12. A mandate. Parents don’t get a say. Okay, a few exemptions. 

I was leading. Again. First to mask school kids. Now first to vax. First among governors.

But what do I hear about Zero Covid these days? Not so much. I hear if you get the jab, at least you won’t end up in a hospital. Probably not. Maybe not. Really good chance you won’t die. 

This helps? I don’t think so. No infection, no spread. I protect you, you protect me. That was the sell. If that craters, people start to say your kid’s health is your business. Even in California.

What’s the bigger risk for a healthy kid? Omicold or 20 minutes on the I-5 at rush hour as mom or dad or the nanny drives the kid to school? People could start thinking that way. Even in California. 

I’m first alright. Still leading. But alone. Stuck alone with this mandate. 

You’d think that by now every blue-state governor would be with me. Where are they? I’ve got Hochul in New York. Probably. Maybe. From her, first you hear: trust parents, but everything’s on the table. That becomes: trust Hochul, but she needs help from other pols in Albany. We’ll see where Governor Waffle ends up. 

And Walensky? No help there. Total reversal. First: You get vaxxed, you don’t carry the virus. Probably not. Maybe not. That becomes: you can carry the virus. Would Biden save face by dumping her? Who knows? His problem. 

He won’t dump Fauci. You don’t get to be a lifer in the federal bureaucracy if you don’t know how to maneuver. Plays the press the way what’s-his-name plays a Stradivarius. Uh, Bell? Yea, Joshua. My bet: Winter ends, Covid recedes; America’s doctor walks off into retirement on his own terms; nobody gets to the bottom of what went down at that lab in Wuhan. Fauci? He’s safe. 

Me? Leading. Alone. Stuck. 

The other day I see this guy with a little kid on a playground. Both masked up. Only the two of them, in the open air, masked. The kid had two masks, no, three. Different colors. The fear’s still there. But people could get over it. Even in California.

They look around. They see Florida. They don’t see disaster. People are moving to Florida. And not just Florida. Texas.

Some of these other countries aren’t helping either. Forget mandates in the UK. It’s the rare under 12 who’s even offered a jab. Then there’s this pissing contest between bureaucrats over there about who’s more likely to get infected, the vaxxed or the unvaxxed. Johnson throws up his hands. Vax-certs? Gone. Masks? Off. Merry England! 

Thanks, Boris. People get word of this stuff and, next thing you know, they want to put Covid behind them. I can hear the Elder crowd already. “Where’s Larry?” Not that it would bother me, of course.

But where’s Biden? Why isn’t he pushing the FDA? The dissident vaccine reviewers ran for the exits, no? Biden should own the FDA by now. Doesn’t he get it? For my mandate I need approvals for the under 16s. Approvals like they used to be. Real approvals. Not EUAs. 

Even with approvals I’ll be taking enough risk. Just one kid stumbles on a cross-country trail, and some nutjob yells myocarditis. Without approvals, it’s dicier. Then I’m doing medical experiments on first-graders. Really. I can hear some egghead actually saying that, some ethicist on a morning-news show. Even in California. Sorry, I’m not rushing to mandate with EUAs. School districts? Legislators? Let them go there.

And what’s this about Trudeau? He’s infected? He was boosted? This is the guy who said the unvaxxed are racists, right? Big help he is. How’s he polling? The truckers in Canada will have their fun with this: “Natural immunity for Justin!” 

Kids get shots for measles, mumps, rubella. Kids get shots for Covid. What’s the difference? That’s how I framed it. Maybe parents are still thinking two shots and done. What are we looking at now? Booster-booster-booster?

I could still walk it back, the mandate. Do a Fauci, a Walensky. After Omicron, we get what? Brother of Omicron? Why insist on old jabs for new spikes? The science evolves. Right? That’s a story I could work with. Even in California. Probably. Maybe.

Everyone should understand. I just follow the science.

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  • Richard Koenig

    Richard Koenig is the author of the Kindle Single “No Place to Go,” an account of efforts to provide toilets amid a cholera outbreak in Ghana.

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